Tiger Woods is America.

The last few days have demonstrated exactly how the mighty have fallen. And it breaks my heart to see that big hairy American winning machine descend from grace. Tiger Woods is a winner. And do you know what winners do? They push the boundaries on what is possible, and that’s the true difference maker in being first and being not first. Now we in fact know it is impossible to drive home on that particular cocktail of pain med’s, because if Tiger couldn’t do it, I know I can’t. And neither can you.

Mel Gibson has done way more heinous shit, never won a round of golf in his life, and the guy can’t miss. The only statement he has ever said about all his tirades and genuine hate speech is “I never said sugar tits, the cop made that one up. But I wish I had said it”.  Kobe allegedly raped a women while married, all he did was change to 24, win a ring and Los Angeles couldn’t be prouder. So lets not point fingers here. Magic was sleeping with all kinds of women in the 80’s, and gets Aids out of it in the 90’s. 20 years later he’s buying the Dodgers and is blending money like nobody’s business. People love the guy. People are putting Tiger in the same category as Lance Armstrong, or Bill Cosby. One is a professional drug user, and the other is a profession drug giver. Either way they are cheating the system. Tiger won those majors by dammit, and i’ll lose my mind if people remember him for this. How can people judge him? Who has ever experienced women throwing themselves at him, day in and day out? He’s a human being, and he chases greatness. Tiger Woods doesn’t win majors by being scared or held back. Tiger does whatever the hell makes him great. He sunk 40 footers in the dark to win championships. I threw out my neck once shampooing my hair.

People are crucifying Tiger for driving under the influence. The sheer amount of athletes that have done that in the modern era is staggering and frankly unsurprising. But he won’t get off the hook easily. This is the farthest fall from grace we have ever seen. He was the most dominant athlete the sport, maybe even all of sport has ever seen. If he can line a drive 300 yards and stick the green on a par 4, he sure as shit can drive home from the country club, Karen.

When the scandal broke that he had slept with all those women while married, people believed his legacy was tarnished. Nay, he was immortalized in the minds of all non golf fans. Frankly it was better for the game of golf for publicity purposes to have Tiger sleeping around and winning majors. He managed to turn the most boring game on T.V into a borderline reality show with a of couple hookers and Redbull. He was god, and probably the most recognizable athlete in the world at the time.

Tiger Woods is America. And In my opinion it is un-American not to love Tiger. He’s a patriot. The man brought more glory to the game of golf, and maybe even America than any before him. His Sundays are just about as legendary as God’s holy Sunday. And it is worse for sports, and dare I say, the world. The amount of husbands that have ignored their wives during the Masters to watch Tiger stick the pin might be equal to the amount of women Tiger has actually slept with.

How can we judge this sweetheart of a man? Hes messed up once once in 9 years and all people are talking about is how awful of a person he is. And now people are talking trash about his hairline. M.J shaved his head, nobody says anything. And can we do our man a favor and take a better mugshot. Seriously. At least give him a Nike hat to throw on so he gets a sweet bonus out of it.

Tiger Woods has been an inspiration for me as a child, and now as an adult. He showed me you can win, and look good doing it. Now he’s shown me exactly what life has to throw at you. Probably would have taken an Uber, but whatever, who am I to throw stones?

I just want to call out the media at this point. Everyone, and I mean everyone reported he was drunk, and smelled like booze. He blew a zero. Twice. At this point people simply wanted to tear him down from the narrative they just established decades before. Not once has Tiger said, “I am a good guy, I want to be a symbol for Golf and I want to be a role model for kids”. NOT ONCE. All the guy wants to do is go out and play a round of golf better than anyone who isn’t named Kim Jong Il.

As per usual, people are criticizing the police for misappropriating the situation and allowing the media to get a hold of that infamous mug shot. I don’t fault the police at all. The public is hypercritical of everything they do, and they can’t do anything right. So i’m gonna let the police off the hook on this one. In the 80’s not only would Tiger not have been arrested, he would have been out on the links the next weekend with the cop that found on the side of the road. He’d be giving him swing tips and shooting the shit about the Cold War. Or whatever it is people talked about in the 80’s. Either that or he’d take Tiger on a McLovin-esque ride along and let him shoot his gun at a stop sign.

My only hope is that one day he can return to form. Just once. I want Tiger to be down by 2 going into Sunday. I want to see the fear in the eyes of every player once they reach the 7th hole and realize they are battling The GOAT.  Tiger will win. He is Tiger. Its just a matter of time. I want him to stroll across the 18th green up by 1 and drain the final putt to get the green jacket.

Some white guy executive is going to walk onto the green to shake his hand and this is where the shit will hit the fan. What happens next is liken to Bilbo in Lord of the Rings. I want him to stop, drop his putter and flip the bird to every man woman and child on television as one last gesture to golf. I want him to be remembered like the legend he is. I want him to go out in his prime. I want him to Gronk spike whatever strange trophy they hand over to him, stuff whoever is carrying the Green Jacket in a locker and metaphorically drag his multicultural nuts across the green. Bless you Tiger, I hope you live happily ever after.


Categories: canada, golf, sports, tiger woods

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